Which Gospel Is My Master?

***WARNING***
First, this is a long post.
Second, it is a personal post.
Third, my purpose is to tell a part of my story to help - no one in particular, but in humble worship of Christ, everyone in general.
Fourth, to some it will read as a typical conversion to Jesus story. I confess it has some of those elements, but that is why I am telling the story - because there is so much more to it! If you choose to read to the end I am confident you will understand.
Fifth, you must promise me you will read the corresponding link I show at the end of this post.
Sixth, enough with the disclosures...

Thirteen years ago, about this time of year, I was desperate. I had a plan for my life but things were so messed up. I was messed up. Even at age 24 I felt I needed to be so much more in control of my life than I was - but all these bad things kept happening to me (I reasoned). Drinking and doing drugs was the only activity that kept my dreams alive. When I drank I could "see" my grand future and my problems did not seem so insurmountable. When I drank I really was the person I wanted to be and I accessed an illusionary power inside of me that convinced me I could "make it all happen"! In the bar, as the drunken haze warmed my tongue and dulled my fear, I'd tell myself that tomorrow I'd start working on what I really wanted in life. I'd go after what's been missing all these years (I was 24).

But I had a problem thirteen years ago. The power of vision I got from drinking was turning on me. I started to see a gap between my dreams and real life. I started to notice that I was getting no where with my plan. Even though drinking was still fun I began to see it had much more power on me than I thought. Drinking was keeping me from my plan. Drinking became my enemy. I killed the intense drinking-to-get-drunk almost immediately. How? I turned to Jesus to help me. Instead of the grandiose visions produced by drinking, I saw now how belief in Jesus would not only straighten me up, but He would help me achieve my goals. I heard from others how my life would be much better if I had Jesus. I accepted that and took on a new attitude toward my goals. I never let my goals go. I still had a wonderful plan for my life and Jesus was going to help me.

For the next eight years I soaked it all up, responded to the calls of right living through Christianity, and fashioned a belief of how God works. Life was remarkably different for sure! Life was better. I no longer had problems outside of myself. I was saved! But, soon enough though I could see my attempts to achieve my life goals were still falling short. The harder I tried the more elusive were my goals. I became aware of a crisis! My whole live I've been characterized as melancholy but this crisis pinned me down into some very dark corners for roughly three years. I wrestled with despair realizing that Jesus was not helping me with my life goals. I struggled yes, but to cut to the chase, in the end I wanted to die and suicide was a logical option at the time. I faced the reality that from a young age I thought death would be better than life. Sometime, early on in my life, I committed myself to whatever it took to save myself from myself. I had remedies to my biggest problem. I thought my biggest problem was that life wasn't working the way I thought it should - there should be only happiness, achievement, and easy fixes for suffering and pain.

Another crisis entered my life. I did sincerely believe I was a Christian, chosen by God for life. But I could not act on my desire to die as there would be dire consequences. I began to realize I've always held an Ace card in the hole. If things ever got bad enough I could quit life. With this card I still retained control of my life. Oh, I've since ripped the card up and so it has no ultimate power. I still carry the card but only to keep tearing it into smaller pieces.

For the last five years I've been rethinking this gospel of Jesus - the gospel I had put together with the support of emotionally charged evangelicalism. It is a therapeutic gospel. Have I been believing the wrong gospel? Do people I know believe in the wrong gospel? NO. This is not a matter of who is really saved and who is lost (ultimately I suppose it is, but my aim is not the enter that debate with this post.) It all comes down to the matter of which gospel will master me! The therapeutic gospel can bring someone to see their need for Jesus but it has no real power to change a person's heart. The real Gospel of Jesus Christ changes lives by changing all the inclinations of the heart so that Christ is sufficient and THAT is what I am after in my life and yours.

P.S. For more understanding of the therapeutic gospel please read this article by David Powlison. Let me encourage you...you must read it and wrestle with it!

Lunatic Fringe

My wife has suggested to me I need to be more open, honest and personal in my blogging about mental health issues. I've pondered for several weeks what this is suppose to look like.

It is obvious I have somewhat of an interest in mental health, namely counseling, not so much psychology. I am not as much interested in the scientific side of the human mind and soul as I am in the human side of the human mind and soul. I like to make the scientific relevant to everyday life so that life is more easily and joyfully lived. I also love theology. I love the challenge of working out theology in the context of mental health and counseling. But I digress.

Seriously though, how am I to be more personal while writing about mental health issues? You're probably on to me by know. The reason my wife is encouraging me to be more open and honest is because I do have a story to tell. A very personal journey about the way God has ordained that I be drawn closer to Him through living this life suffering, more than the average person, from health problems of the mind (did I just create a new politically correct term for mental illness?) Fraid not! I am just attempting to use humor to deflect the uncomfortable feeling everyone feels when someone else is (quasi)confessing something personal.

What I write about I've lived with. I want to keep writing about mental health issues and specifically biblical counseling. I will try to weave in bits of my own story when I think it is appropriate, and by appropriate I mean useful. I've come to an understanding that I will not ever be cured from my problems of the mind in this life. The so called problems are what God uses to extend His mercy and grace to me personally, directing me through humbling struggles, so that I pursue Him alone when all else in life seems like death. Christ is life! My "problems" have always revealed where my heart is at in relationship to God. I know in my mind I am a sinner but my behavior while living with my "problems" proves that I am a sinner. In telling my story I do not want to glorify sin, but only God! I pray that my story helps others who suffer from particular "problems" of the mind. May Christ be seen for who He is; good, merciful, loving, and Lord.

So here is a bit of my story...just a small bit to get things started:

One of my three biggest fears in life is to be found certifiably mentally insane. To be a lunatic. I've carried this fear ever since I can remember as a young boy. Even today, one of the most sobering, bone-chilling, road-straightening, to-be-feared-more-than-death possibilities is the idea of being so mentally incapacitated that I would need to be locked up. Isn't that ironic? Some would call it psychosomatic. I just think it is...crazy!

God have mercy.